Saying no is something you practise

Nobody is born knowing how to say no.

Some people just practise earlier.

I was a late starter.

The myth of the strong character

For years I thought saying no was a question of personality. Some people have it. They look you in the eye, say "that doesn't work for us" and sleep perfectly well. Others, like me, say "let me look at it" and spend three days looking for a way to make it fit.

I envied the first group. I assumed they were made of something else.

I don't think that anymore. I think they just had more practice.

Saying no is like going to the gym. The first day, everything hurts and you feel ridiculous. If you keep going, one day you lift something that used to be impossible and barely notice.

Why it was so hard for me

Part of it is how we started. With 300 €, no investors and nobody to ask for money, every client mattered. Every project could be the one that paid the month. Saying no felt like a luxury for people with a safety net.

And part of it is that I'm a developer. When someone asks "can you do this?", my brain doesn't hear a question about whether we should. It hears a technical puzzle. And technically, almost everything can be done.

"Can it be done?" and "should we do it?" are different questions. For a long time I only answered the first one.

Almost everything can be done. That's exactly why you need to practise saying no.

How I'm practising

No method. Just a few habits I'm trying to build.

Start small. Not every no has to be a big decision. Turning down a meeting that could be an email. Not answering at midnight. Saying "next week" instead of "today". Small reps.

Separate the question from the answer. When something comes in, I try not to reply straight away. Sleep on it. Talk to Yeray. Most of my worst yeses were instant.

Say it early. A no at the start is a conversation. A no halfway through is a problem. The longer I wait, the more expensive it gets for everyone.

Explain, don't apologise. "This isn't something we do well" is a reason. "I'm so sorry, it's just that…" is a confession. Clients respect the first one more, I suspect.

I don't always manage. Some weeks the muscle is tired and I say yes to things I'll regret. Then I notice, and I go back to the small reps.

What makes the practice possible

There's one thing I can't train with willpower. The money.

It's much easier to say no when the month doesn't depend on that yes. That's why I care so much about maintenance fees and clients who stay. They're not just revenue. They're the floor you stand on when you turn something down.

And it's easier without investors. Nobody is asking why we didn't take the bigger project.

So the practice is mine. But the gym is paid for by patient money.

I'm still not one of those people who say no and sleep perfectly.

But I sleep a bit better than before. That's what practice looks like.

P.S. I was tempted to add a fifth habit to this list. I didn't. Progress.